Tips Guides

The simple truth is I’m not hung up on me. I don’t sit around analyzing myself and what my colleagues or neighbors are thinking or not thinking.

For that reason and several others, some people think I am strange, weird and enlightened. Sometimes all three.

It’s all rather simple because I always know what I’m thinking. And it’s also partly because I already know what some other folks are thinking and don’t want to know any more. And partly because I no longer care. OK, OK.

The older I get the more it tends toward I don’t care.

I also bore myself because I already know how all my stories are going to end. You know the feeling? And just how can I pick up new material if I’m always the one talking?

I had to do something contrarian and bodacious…like strike up conversations with total strangers.

My secret is I simply refuse to talk about me and insist we talk about them. Want to watch someone eat out of your hand? Ask them to tell you about them.

“Can I get you something to eat or drink?” is one of the first things they say, “Maybe a pillow? Pitcher of martinis? Can I pick up your tab? No one has ever in my whole life asked me about me. Let me tell you all about me. I’m so excited.”

“This is the happiest day of my life. I’m so thrilled someone is interested in worthless, useless, gutless moronic embattled me. I’ve been devoutly praying, meditating and rubbing my crystals so this day would come and it finally has. I am feeling so very blessed and spiritual right now.”

Not to rain on the self esteem picnic here but the honest truth is I’m not interested. I’m in it for the food.

So I let them talk while I eat and occasionally nod my head up or down. Blah, blah, blah. I just let them get it out of their system. Blah, blah, blah. I eat and drink all I want and just let them keep going. Blah, blah, blah.

I never stop them until I am finished eating and drinking. Blah, blah, blah. And when that point arrives, I stand up and loudly pronounce ‘it’s halftime’.

If you use the halftime exit survival tactic remember to never accept food or drink after your halftime proclamation as you will never be able to leave the premises again having totally lost the element of surprise. You are doomed.

Like the good life, good sequences almost always come down to timing and execution so don’t be stupid and blow yours.

By the time they figure out what the heck this clown aka me means by the expression ‘halftime’ I have already profusely excused myself to the loo, whether I need to go or not, and once given a three step lead I simply cannot be caught.

Just like a well executed bank robbery, the focus is on surprise and escape and not looking back.

You have to start thinking outside your narrow bourgeois box if you want to get ahead in this flea bitten world. And you must understand that in our modern web linked cyber society it is often better to give first and then later receive the backlinks.

The more, the merrier.

So stop whining and focusing so much on yourself. Think leveraged strategy. And focus. In fact, focus on leveraged strategy. And especially focus on backlink paybacks through leveraged strategy.

Afterwards you graciously allow yourself to become immensely popular and everyone adores you and you get food invites to all the really cool and important functions where they also offer you bloated contracts, discounted timeshares in Akumal and their first born quarter horses.

They soon whisper in your ear how the masses will be clamoring for you to run for public office. At least Governor they whisper. At least for Governor…

You humbly decline signing all contracts that are not food or drink related except for Governor and keep your focus until halftime when you can regroup. Governors have to regroup and eat too.

Our national hero Curly of the Three Stooges put it best when he said, ‘We ain’t normal people, we’re morons’. Amen. That’s the one thing we truly know. That’s it.

That’s the enlightened truth. From whence we come. There is no truer statement. Even the Governor knows that. He’d be the first to agree with Curly.

Buddha admitted knowing that too but said that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. If ignorance is its own reward then we should all be rich.

Curly would have agreed since he had such a short attention span, even when he got angry. And you have to admit both Buddha and Curly have some very impressive backlinks.

So don’t forget to always be closing, never insult the cook and think leveraged backlinks.

Oh, and by the way, speaking of leveraging some backlinks can you please pass the nachos, amigo? It’s almost halftime…

Jack Deal is the owner of Jack D. Deal Business Consulting. Related articlesmay be found at http://www.jddeal.com/blog/humor and http://www.freeandinquiringmind.typepad.com

Before video games we kids played with marbles. There were ‘funsies’ where the participants would simply play for the fun of it. Then there were ‘keepsies’ or a type of wager where the loser lost his marbles thus introducing many an innocent child to the risks of gambling in a brutally cruel world. There were many variations in between and we played most of them with great vigor, learning a lot about ourselves and each other in the process.

Fast-forward many years to the Chinese metallic “worry balls” or at least that is how they are marketed in Chinatown. A little bigger than golf balls, the idea is to put the two balls in the palm your hand and rotate them, using only the one hand, without touching balls. This is no small task especially if you have small hands or are a bit awkward or have just drank a half dozen martinis.

The concept is similar to the Feldenkreis physical therapy method: focus on something else and the intensity of your primary and immediate problem diminishes. When one twiddles these Chinese worry balls then they somehow get distracted from their worries, cares, problems, challenges, hassles and aggravations. This worry ball therapy does not solve problems or even eliminate worries; the attention is simply momentarily focused away from the stressor.

The real problem with the Chinese metallic balls is they are just too big. They are awkward, need a travel case and can’t be carried in a business suit pocket without bulging. Some of the balls actually have a type of internal bell so when the balls are moved they make a noise. Not so with a couple of marbles. Advantage marbles.

The purists will say that marbles are too small and present no challenge so attention is not diverted from worry and anxiety. But purists are often wrong. If regular marbles are too small for you, use the larger sized ’shooters’. While slowly rotating two marbles in the palm of your hand may not seem overly challenging it does keep one’s frazzled mind occupied and at least part of the brain in a less distressed state. If nothing else it gives the poor overworked hippocampus a short break.

As usual the experts don’t know how all this works but in their defense nobody else knows either. The clump of gray matter known as the brain does not work like the pragmatists hope it would work. This has been a problem since some men thought they knew more than other men. And women. What little is actually known has something to do with tactile sensation, attention, coordination and current mental condition. And faking out a lot of cranial neural circuitry also known as the black box.

If we look at the computer or informational model of the brain for insight we can quickly see that logic really doesn’t compute because the brain itself really doesn’t care. In the computer brain model, information is taken in, processed internally and then either put into memory or exhibited outwardly as behavior. This computerized brain model tells us nothing about neural chemistry or extended neural circuitry but it tells us a lot about the dynamics of cause and effect. The bad news is the dynamics look mostly to be smoke and mirrors.

The biggest advantage of the two marble therapy is low cost. Depending on the quantity, marbles can cost several cents to maybe a dime apiece. For two dollars you can get a year’s supply of worry marbles so that even if you lose them or they are stolen by jealous colleagues you can resupply rather quickly. And you can always pop into the toy store for a new bag. What therapy is cheaper or more convenient?

The most outstanding feature of the two marble therapy is marbles can fit in your pocket or purse or laptop case. You can hide them and bring them out when you feel the urge. Or not. You can twiddle them while waiting to give that big presentation or during your kid’s soccer match. People might look at you a bit oddly and you can explain or not; if you must explain just tell them it’s a new top secret brain plasticity builder. Odds are they will readily accept that explanation because they have no idea what brain plasticity means.

An added plus is if you drop your marbles at an embarrassing moment you can always remark that you ‘must be losing your marbles.’ Those near you will snicker and chortle and probably think you are an odd sort but be assured you will emit strong markers that you have a well developed sense of humor. And a good sense of humor can offset many character defects.

By the way, have you seen any stray marbles rolling around?

Jack Deal is the owner of Deal Business Consulting and uses worry marbles. Related articlesmay be found at http://www.jddeal.com/blog/humor and http://www.freeandinquiringmind.typepad.com

For those who work in the IT support industry there is a constant flow of funny and sometimes hilarious cases of clients who really do have no clue at all. Before you laugh too hard however please remember that not everyone is IT proficient. Often they come from a generation where machines had gears and if you did something wrong; it was a fast way to lose a finger.

In an attempt to counter the thousands of mindless phone calls they get daily, software writers are considering removing the ‘press any key’ command in installation software. This is because so many people take the time to ring IT support services to ask the question, where is the ‘any key?’

One IT support worker remembers a client who had rung with a pretty generic problem. The worker told the client to right click on the Open Desktop; the client duly did this and told the IT support technician that nothing had happened. After repeating the process with no success the technician asked the client to tell him exactly what he had done. The answer came that he had written the word click on his notepad twice and was astounded that nothing had happened.

Another legendary anecdote from the IT support industry is of clients who call to enquire why their documents are not printing. It is only with a close inspection that technicians find the user has been playing with the font colours and inadvertently changed the type colour to white. IT support technicians now check this as a matter of course before further trouble shooting.

A classic from the annals of IT support stories is of users complaining their computer will not register mouse or keyboard movements. On hearing this, the technician often says that the computer is ‘frozen.’ Usually the next day the tech guy rings to enquire how the computer is doing; responses range from some clients covering the CPU with a coat to some placing the CPU by the fire and melting all the internal components.

During the infancy of email, IT support companies were sadly inundated with calls enquiring if emails needed stamps. Of course those who are somewhat behind the forefront of the technical revolution are going to query such matters. It makes the IT support industry interesting and occasionally frustrating to work in.

It is amazing considering the cost of IT support that people phone in with such foolish queries. One phone operator received a call from a client who had just inserted an instillation disk and the prompt screen had come up; apparently they had rung just to ask what to do next. The rather tiresome client was subsequently told, ‘Have you tried hitting the ‘next’ tab’?

The frustration that some IT support workers inevitably feel occasionally spills out and clients must take the brunt. One story of a man who had spent over an hour with a user trying to solve a relatively simple problem snapped. When asked for advice he said ‘Turn off your PC, pack it in its box and take it back to where you bought it.’

When the user went on to ask what he should tell the shop staff the frustrated technician told him to say, ‘I have brought it back because I am too much of an idiot to use it.’ Unsurprisingly the tech guy was sacked the same day after a barrage of complaints.

The level of stupidity amongst service users is understandable in some cases. Those of us without detailed knowledge of computers are usually wary of delving into things we do not understand. That said some of the requests that IT support workers receive are beyond a joke, a little common sense should always be applied to a problem before ringing the technical support team.

IT expert Thomas Pretty advices the use of Scott Adam’s conscientious, caring and friendly technical assistance services for all your IT support requirements. To find out more please visit http://www.scottadam.co.uk/

The world of projector installation has kept me busy for some time now. Not a vocation as such but I do like to take a pride in my work. I’ve seen the inside of all manner of schools and teaching institutions during this job. From the upper class private schools who use projector installation for inbuilt cinema entertainment to the local comprehensives who have just discovered technology.

Last week, we went to a nursing college in the nearby town who wanted projector installation carried out in their gynaecology department. At least I’m past the stage of giggling at things like this, unlike some of my colleagues who found it difficult to keep their minds on the job.

Next week should be more interesting. We’ve just won a contract to carry out projector installation in a chain of pubs. I reckon there’ll be a few late nights there! Apparently, they intend to set up a loop of films to be projected for their customers.

The first day goes without a hitch, we’ve assessed the area to carry out the projector installation, had a few beers, acquainted ourselves with the barmaids (public relations, and all that) and will go back tomorrow to make a start.

The next day consists of preparation, the essential part of any job, get this right and everything else will fall into place. We stop for a well deserved lunch time drink and a ploughman’s. Stomach lining is good. It means we can drink more beer and still work.

Day three and the boss has been moaning. We should have moved on to the second pub by now but I explain to him we want to get this first one spot on to set a precedent for the rest. He’s not really buying it but I assure him the projector installation will be complete today.

Of course, we have to start the day off properly and a liquid breakfast is the order of the day. Around eleven o’clock, we unload the van and get all the kit inside. Dave starts messing about, prancing around in front of the projector screen when the boss walks in to check on progress.

I’ve managed to calm him into thinking that it was just high jinks at the excitement of getting such a big project and I have it all under control. He leans towards me, clearly trying to sniff test me for alcohol but I make my excuses about getting on and execute a swift exit.

Moving out into the main room, it seems the beer has been flowing more freely than ever and a virtual party is under way! I dart across the room in an effort to save the screen they have been attempting to erect in a half inebriated state. I call for Mick to come and help but I get a slurred message from under a table somewhere that Mick is indisposed, out the back with a barmaid!

I just reach the screen as it tips forward. Catching it, I suddenly realise the full extent of the amount I have consumed myself and the room begins to spin. The screen crashes to the floor, upturning tables and spilling ashtrays, lit cigarettes and John’s whiskey all over the floor.

Within seconds the carpet is alight and panic breaks out. Thankfully everybody gets out safely.
No surprise to find out that in the following week’s local paper three vacancies have arisen for projector installation engineers.

Recruitment expert Catherine Harvey looks at what can go wrong with projector installation due to mans error. To find out more please visit http://www.avssltd.com/

For Gringos, hammocks are for putting up in the backyard at siesta time. Cartoons show a sleeping hammocker getting spun up into his backyard hammock. But for millions of people living in the tropics, hammocks are a way of life. And a way of rest and sleep.

In my earlier years in Veracruz we used hammocks but not nearly as much as we do on the Yucatan peninsula. Here every house has one and usually many; even the most pretentious rich have hammocks since they are so restful and cool.

In Campeche when we stayed with our aunt she had beds for us but they weren’t used; everyone preferred the hammock. In Escarcega, our cousin has one in every room just in case he needs a nap. In Cancun, our hotel worker friends sleep in hammocks because their family of six can’t fit beds into a 250 square foot apartment. Do the math and you will determine that six beds would leave them with no place to walk.

In many rooms, not just bedrooms on the Yucatan, hooks are embedded on opposite sides of the walls. A hammock can be hung in a matter of seconds if you know what you are doing; if not, better be careful. There is no safety net under a hammock and even dirt floors can be painfully hard.

Taking a siesta in a hammock in one’s back yard is one thing, living with one is another. Some Mexican tractor trailer drivers carry hammocks to string under their trailers when they get sleepy. It’s cooler; they can watch their truck and save money on hotels. In our Maya village most of our neighbors sleep in hammocks. We do too…but not before literally learning the ropes…hammock ropes that is.

But there are issues. In a hammock a pillow is awkward but a blanket impossible. In Quintana Roo we have an occasional ‘norte’ blow in and with it cold air from the north. If it’s cold forget the hammock; blankets don’t stay in place and you most likely will wake up freezing. Or sleep like those hillbilly cartoons with your feet sticking out…so be sure to wear socks.

And if it’s cold, don’t forget there is no padding or insulation in a hammock. If you have three blankets on top but none underneath, you will still freeze.

That’s if it’s cold but it’s usually hot in the tropics which is ideal for hammocks and mosquitoes. Mosquitoes can bite you on any exposed skin and that includes the skin lying directly against the hammock. In a hammock, the pests can attack below as well as above. Nothing can be more miserable than getting bitten on all sides at once.

And then there is the somewhat delicate issue of more than one person sleeping in a hammock. Tropical lovers claim that they can easily fit into a hammock in many different positions. Later, after the baby arrives, the baby can sleep there too. The key to multiple hammock occupancy is to sleep crosswise, not longwise. Otherwise the hammock starts spinning and everyone ends up on the floor or ground.

In Chiapas we saw whole extended families stringing up their hammocks all in a row. I guess the family that sleeps in hammocks stays together or something like that. If campesinos or field workers are sent out to work in the rancherias, they sometimes hang as many hammocks as possible in a palapa hut to stay out of the rain. So in a number of ways hammocks work.

True natives will say they can sleep on their stomachs but I don’t believe them…unless they can curve their spine backwards, which is intellectually a challenge. Still, whenever we’re at our ranch in Felipe Carrillo Puerto and get a bit sleepy, it’s right into the Yucatecan hammock. Yucatan hammocks are considered the world’s finest.

Hammocks are portable but they do require two places fairly close together where it can be hung. A good Yucatecan hammock can be rolled up and stuck in a small bag. For that reason hammocks are used by poorer folk since they don’t have to buy a bed and beds take up a lot of floor space. The Gringo versions with a frame to hang it on are ridiculous…lazy Gringos can’t find a tree.

The hammocks are also used as cradles and cribs. Newborns are layed crosswise and swung gently just like a cradle. If one literally grows up in a hammock then hammocks become second nature and for many preferable to a bed.

With a good mosquito net the bugs stay out and sometimes in the jungle that’s the most important thing. A good mosquito net can also prevent critters like scorpions and small snakes from paying an unwelcome hammock visit.

In the jungle anything is better than the ground.

Jack Deal sleeps in hammocks and is the owner of Deal Business Consulting. Related articlesmay be found at http://www.jddeal.com/blog and http://www.freeandinquiringmind.typepad.com

As a kid, Sherlock Holmes was my hero. Here was really a cool guy if there ever was one. He knew almost everything about everything and could solve almost any crime, even crimes that had stumped Her Majesty’s best. But even Sherlock had his days.

On those rare but revealing occasions when our good Sherlock was bested, he had to swallow his pride, no small task, and go and seek counsel with his older brother Mycroft. Mycroft lived at the gentleman’s club Diogenes, a place where few members spoke and all sipped their coffee and brandies and read the newspaper and looked at each other through the tops of their eyeglasses. That’s where Mycroft lived. Mycroft also had some sort of government job but his exact duties and functions were unclear.

Sherlock would approach Mycroft and Mycroft would immediately start this sarcastic teasing of Sherlock. Only under the most extreme of circumstances would Sherlock go this route but there were times when he just couldn’t get over the hump in the case. Even our man Sherlock could get stumped.

After a fair amount of belittling, Mycroft would give Sherlock the hint and one almost wondered if in fact Sherlock already knew the answer, but just couldn’t get it out. And our poor hero Sherlock would slip away dragging his tail and feeling just a little bit wiser but a lot more foolish. Mycroft was Sherlock’s comeuppance and reality check.

Yet curse as he may, Sherlock knew he would use Mycroft again. Sherlock knew there would come another case and he would have to go meekly before his brother and beg. The only thing worse than shame is ignorance.

Now whether Mycroft actually had the knowledge or just real good people skills is the question of the day. In the end Sherlock probably had the imagination and creativity to solve anything but at times just hit one of those mental blocks, as we humans are prone to do.

Did Mycroft actually know the answer or did he know how to structure the perception and question to reveal the answer? Did Sherlock always have the answer already within himself? Was Mycroft really too lazy to do the investigative work?

Would that our man Mycroft were around and on call today to help us out on this one. Like Sherlock we most likely would discover that a good dose of humility is a small price to pay for the right answer. The right answer can mean the difference between a project’s success or failure. The wrong answer can lead one down a Narnian path to the twilight zone of no return.

Mycroft’s secret was he kept getting a bigger and bigger perspective on the problem. At some point, he simply mastered it and moved on. Sherlock would hit dead end and like most of us throw up his hands in despair. Not Mycroft. Mycroft didn’t structure the problem that way in his mind so he didn’t feel that frustration. Mycroft didn’t care. Mycroft just kept trying to get the greatest perspective he could on the problem and then probe Sherlock’s head to fill in the blanks and connect the dots.

Holmes certainly led a more exciting life but clearly excitement was not how Mycroft measured his own life. Mycroft appears to be forever content sitting around the club reading the evening edition. Or the morning edition. Or looking wistfully at clouds of tobacco smoke. The club was Mycroft’s reward for being Mycroft.

So in the end Mycroft probably didn’t know the answer. Mycroft was a club rat; it kept him insulated from the cruel and insane world, a world of which our man Sherlock was always knee deep in; rogues and scoundrels and that sort of thing. In the end we have to conclude that Mycroft was nothing more than a well dressed guru pointing the way…and did perhaps Mycroft envy Sherlock?

At any rate we Sherlock freaks would like even tougher cases and to see our man Sherlock having to squirm and run to Mycroft for more brotherly advice. Sherlock seldom squirmed. This is what it’s all about and part of what make both Mycroft and Sherlock tick. Well, at least Sherlock.

With Mycroft it was all just one big crossword puzzle but for Sherlock it was a way of life so that is why Sherlock wallowed in it. Mycroft didn’t have to. Sherlock was the populist; Mycroft the aloof landed gentry. Sherlock lived life; Mycroft experienced life vicariously since it was so much tidier that way. Two paths that cross through necessity.

Besides, our Sherlock would never be content with the dull, gentlemanly life of the Diogenes club, right Sir Doyle?

Jack Deal is a Sherlock Holmes fan. Related articlesmay be found at http://www.jddeal.com/blog/business and http://www.freeandinquiringmind.typepad.com