Tips Guides

What do you fear, and how real are your fears? The most common fears I see and hear from clients (and others!!) include the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of change and - believe it or not - the fear of success.

As real as these fears may seem, most of them are only imaginary (not real) and totally made-up (fantasy). I like to refer to these made-up scenarios as stories. Part of our humanness includes an amazing ability to make up stories and assumptions, and then to believe them and fabricate some F.E.A.R.: Fictitious Events Appearing Real.

Your mind, as wonderful as it is, has great difficulty in discerning between what’s real and what’s made up or imagined as a story. Your mind tends to perceive all your fantasies and imaginings as being real.

The primary functions of your mind are protection and survival.

Because of this, if your mind perceives a threat, it activates the fight or flight mechanism which prepares your body to go into battle or to flee. When you then feel the rush of the adrenaline flow through your body (triggered by the activation of this fight or flight mechanism), this just validates your perceived “story”: There must indeed be some threat.

Often you end up pumped up and keyed up for no true reason because the threat was not real after all. This reaction - adrenaline and the fight or flight mechanism - also takes a huge toll on your body and your health. Prolonged exposure to excessive ongoing adrenaline releases will eventually tear down your immune system.

Plus, whether or not you are aware of it, you will tend to believe your stories to be true. It then becomes easy to build one false story upon another. From there, you risk constructing an entire fear-based belief system and way of life - a life that’s very limiting and restrictive and founded on a couple of made-up rear-based stories.

But there is hope and another choice…

F.E.A.R.: Face Everything And Rejoice.

When you face your fears and confront them rather than letting your assumptions run wild in your mind, you’ll find much of what you used to fear was not nearly as threatening as you once believed it was. You can begin to dispel the stories and assumptions, and you’ll get freedom from all this old fear.

The primary difference is this model of Face Everything and Rejoice emanates from a place of conscious and empowered choice. It is the realization that your initial reaction may not be reality based. This is a conscious model of responding instead of unconsciously and blindly reacting. Sometimes, moving from the destructive, limiting, unconscious and highly reactive F.E.A.R. to the hopeful, conscious and more responsive F.E.A.R, and separating false fear from fact, is as simple as asking yourself two simple questions:

“Is it true?” and “Where’s the evidence?”

When you begin to really look at, examine, and evaluate situations, you’ll often find your initial reaction may have been more intense, emotionally-based and irrational (a story) than actual reality.

Three other great questions to ask yourself when you start to feel fear are, “And then what?”, “What is the worst that could happen?” and “Can I handle that?”

Ask and answer these questions and you’ll allow yourself to see these preconceived threats more clearly, which allows you to create a more grounded response. This response will flow consciously from making a choice, which is always more empowering, rather than from some old, out-dated unconscious conditioning.

When you respond this way, you’ll discover you can, and will, act in a much more adaptable manner. In other words, you’ll handle these situations by overriding the fight or flight mode, and create the intention for yourself that everything will be okay.

There is one affirming phrase I’d like to recommend to you above all the others:

I can handle this!

When you’re able to say this to yourself as a self-intervention (even if you don’t fully believe it), your mind starts to accept it. Remember, your mind may perceive some things as real whether or not they are. So, just as your mind accepts the negative, false fear-based stories it makes up as “real”, it will also tend to believe, even before you actually feel it to be true, the self-reassurance and confidence you instill merely because you think it and say it to yourself.

You might as well use this dynamic to your benefit and to your advantage. Once you’ve begun to formulate a different and more positive response, you may finally fully realize there is no threat at all.

You have a choice: The old F.E.A.R. or the new F.E.A.R.

I know which one you desire and deserve, and I support you in creating a life of freedom through conscious responsiveness and self-intervention. It is time you choose to rejoice!

Ken Donaldson has been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. Claim your FREE Relationship Success Special Report at Marry YourSelf First!. Ken is the author of Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.

When making changes in your life, if you feel uncomfortable, insecure, vulnerable, or weird, know you are probably right on target.

Why? Because to achieve anything new you have to create fresh strategies, approaches, and systems. Most anything new will feel strange until you get used to it.

So, live the Attr-Action model of life. Remember, there is no Attr-Action without the right corresponding action. Through your vision, purpose and values, you’ll become a magnet and draw toward you all your dreams of the most fulfilling life possible.

Remember, you MUST also go into action.

How big can your life be? You’ll find out by examining the size of your fish tank…what??!!

Just How Big is Your Fish Tank?

It’s the simplest of math: Big fish tanks grow big fish; little fish tanks grow little fish.

In planning my teleclasses and workshops, I always work to come up with new metaphors and analogies to make the material we cover as lively and interesting as possible. In one particular planning session, this “fish tank” metaphor came to mind.

I thought back to when I had a very beautiful 55 gallon aquarium. There were over 100 pounds of gravel in the bottom, and it was lined with live plants. The fish, which included a mated pair of Jack Dempseys, grew to be quite large. The male was nearly eight inches long and the female was about six inches. The raw beef heart I fed them helped them grow to these sizes. I would often sit in front of my tank for hours just watching these extraordinary fish. It was mesmerizing and very relaxing, to say the least.

At that same time, I also had a 20 gallon tank with four fish in it. The largest fish grew to be only about two inches long. Their diet was regular flake fish food. I would watch them as well, but my eyes would always wander back to the big tank. All of which brings me to the question:

How big is your fish tank?

What I’m really asking is: How big is the space you live your life in? What restricts you from growing as big as possible? Is there any chance you’ve already outgrown your old fish tank? Just how big is your life, and how big can it be?

As you’re pondering those questions, think about this in another way: Just how bright can your inner light shine? That inner light of yours was given to you to brighten up the world. It can do neither you nor others any good if you quench or conceal it, for any reason.

Are you allowing your inner light to shine as bright as it can? Are you giving those around you the chance to be positively affected by your light?

A big fish tank allows a fish to grow big; and likewise, a big life allows you to shine a big, bright light.

Are you a big fish with a bright light?

Some people seem to be happy with their small fish tanks because they don’t want to change or grow. They feel comfortable with their predictable and familiar lives. They like the status quo. Has that been you?

There are others, however, perhaps people like yourself, who’re always growing larger, stronger, deeper and more secure, and whose lives reach out in all directions. These are the people who always demand one more gallon added to their fish tank. These are also the people who seem to shine the brightest light. In fact, their light is so bright that it actually illuminates the path for others.

Which one are you? Are you happy with your chosen path? Would you like a bigger fish tank and a brighter light force?

If so, then I encourage you to hang out with some big fish, bright light people. We all tend to be influenced by our environments, so if you want more from your life, find those who have found more of life and ask them how they’ve done it. After all, big fish and bright lights cannot hide; and because of this, they usually enjoy sharing their bigness and their brightness. Follow their model as success always leaves traces for you to follow.

Once again, if you want to manifest your highest intentions, be around those who are doing the same.

Success breeds success!

Seek out the people who match and support your energy. Use the Law of Attraction to connect with those who’ll support you in getting what you truly want. People of like energy and like mindedness will generate more of the positive energy you want in your life.

Ken Donaldson has been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. Claim your FREE Relationship Success Special Report at Marry YourSelf First!. Ken is the author of Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.

Huh??!! Let me explain…

A barometer is used to measure atmospheric pressure. This pressure change helps weather forecasters to predict what weather conditions might be forthcoming. Barometric conditions are always changing; therefore barometric measurement is always fluctuating.

A compass, on the other hand, is used to determine direction. Since our North Pole has a natural magnetic pull to it, the needle of a compass will always point in that direction. True North is constant, and therefore, a compass reading is consistent, fixed, and yes, literally, always True.

The key is to NOT allow your compass to be overshadowed or thrown off by your barometer.

You may wonder where I’m going with this, but stay with me. It’ll all make sense in the end!

It’s important to know the True North of your life. This True North, a term I believe the 7 Habits guru Stephen Covey originally coined, refers to your personal life path: Your values, your purpose, your life vision and your legacy.

Your True North is unique and only yours. It won’t look like anyone else’s, so don’t bother comparing. Stay focused only on your path. Likewise, others may not understand your life path; but they don’t have to as it’s yours, and only yours, and it needs no explanation.

To determine your True North, there are four primary questions you need to ask yourself and find the answers to:

1. What is the legacy I hope to leave?

2. What are my core values?

3. What is my life vision?

4. What is the purpose of my life?

So let’s talk first about Legacy. How will you leave your mark? How will the world know you’ve been here one hundred years from now? What impact do you want to have on humankind in your lifetime?

Simply put, your legacy is what you’ll leave behind for those who come after you.

No pressure, but from the looks of things now, we could all stand to leave as much of a positive legacy as we possibly can, and as quickly as we can!

Many Native tribes have made their decisions based on what they foresee the affect of decisions on the seventh generation out. How will your life, and the way that you are living it now, affect the seventh generation from now? How would you like for it to impact that far-off seventh generation?

If you’re not living the life that you want, what’s stopping you?

What do you need to do differently to create the life and legacy you desire? Do what you need to do NOW to live the life you want and you’ll create the legacy you desire automatically - it’s simple math!

Live your legacy today!

Do all you can right now to make whatever impact you want. See how you can affect the current generation today. Live your legacy as if your life depended on it because it does! And who knows, maybe the life of someone else will also depend on it!

If you can not seem to envision the future or see the big picture and the effect you can have on humankind, then you may have some inner work to finish up first. Don’t worry; just do your inner work and be open to the creation of your legacy.

Ken Donaldson has been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. Claim your FREE Relationship Success Special Report at Marry YourSelf First!. Ken is the author of Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.

Your personal integrity is dependent on you living according to your values. If you commit yourself to a values-driven life, you’ll attract people of similar values and people who’ll support and encourage you to continue to live accordingly, which will only increase the standards to which you have been living.

Ignore your values and you’ll attract other people who ignore their values, which usually results in a swirling cesspool of complaints, excuses and endless victimhood (not a good neighborhood to live in!!)

With a well understood values base you’ll more clearly discern your day-to-day priorities. First, it’s important to distinguish what’s urgent from what is vital.

Let’s pause and examine those words, what they really mean, and what buttons they push.

Urgent comes from the same root as the word urge - it’s a pushy, sometimes panicky, word. It implies something which propels us automatically onward into action and has time pressure, has to get done fast, or you at least feel like it does.

What’s urgent probably is important for the moment, but it also changes from moment to moment and day to day. In this way, it’s similar to the barometric reading I talked about earlier in another article.

So just because something is Urgent doesn’t necessarily mean it’s important.

Conversely, what’s vital refers to something central and internally crucial; something you literally can’t live without, not just for the moment but over time.

In fact, vital comes from the word for life itself, like vital organs - heart, brain, blood. What’s vital may have less pressure and feel calmer than what’s urgent, but it’s much more crucial for your long-term survival and well-being.

What’s vital to you feeds your life force. In this way, it may remind you of your True North - a fixed and eternal need. The urgent and the vital both need to be balanced on a daily basis.

You need to be careful not to let yourself submerge what is consistently vital in what is momentarily urgent.

If you’re like most people you’re probably bombarded, and confused, throughout the day with what are, or what seem to be, urgent matters. Obviously, however, it’s what’s vital to you and to your true self which really matters most and must take top priority.

You can see how standing by your values plays a huge role in deciding this. This can be challenging, so having a very simple A-B-C-D priority system can be extremely helpful. Make a list of what you know you want to accomplish today, and then rate them as follows:

A - Those absolute vital items you have-to complete.

B - Those urgent items which could wait until tomorrow.

C - The “want to” impulse items which are even less urgent and important.

D - Those items which you are unsure of or are possibly not necessary at all.

The follow-through is simple: Always do the A items first, followed by the B items and so forth. Transfer today’s incomplete list onto tomorrow’s plan. Reprioritize the list daily since new items will undoubtedly arise.

Set boundaries with yourself and with others so you can stay focused on your vital A tasks.

Make a values-driven priority plan for yourself, and you’ll find you’re more productive while also being truer to yourself. Live your life this way and you’ll find yourself on the path of your True North.

Ken Donaldson has been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. Claim your FREE Relationship Success Special Report at Marry YourSelf First!. Ken is the author of Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.

The full range of female athletes on the 2008 Olympic teams makes it clear that age and family responsibilities are not the barriers to participation in the Games they used to be. Stories from Beijing highlight the courage and resolve of the mothers of the world - as they demonstrate their athletic prowess and win gold or silver medals.

Significant are the 20 mothers on the USA Olympic team, including past medalists - swimmer Dara Torres, basketball player Lisa Leslie, and softball player, Jennie Finch. Dara Torres stands out as a role model for any mother wondering if it is too late to begin again. Now age 41, she began participating in the Olympics twenty-four years ago, swimming in the 1984, 1988, 1992 and 2000 Games. Retiring, getting married and wanting to start a family, she skipped the 2004 Games and had a child two years ago. Swimming for fitness after the birth of her daughter, Tessa, she thought she was done with competitive swimming. But she found that her times were better than ever.

Eight long years after her last Olympics, Dara marched in the Beijing opening ceremonies with 9 medals to her credit, the most of any USA athlete in these Games. Swimming in individual and relay team competition, she won 3 silver medals, losing gold in the freestyle individual event by only one one-hundredth of a second. She now can now be proud of a record 12 Olympic medals in her career - so far! Asked “what will you tell your daughter about your record at this Olympics,” Dara said, “You don’t have to put an age limit on your dreams.”

Constantina Tomescu-Dita of Romania, a 38-year-old mother of a 13-year old son, was the triumphant gold medal winner of the women’s marathon in Beijing. Four years ago in Athens she had to relinquish her dreams of an Olympic medal at mile 20 due to heat exhaustion. But even then she did not completely quit. She walked for a mile - then started running again, coming in 20th in the 2004 competition. This time she was determined to win the race. She practiced and practiced in hot weather, firmly focused on avoiding another injury. Learning from her past failure, Constantina refused to give up on her dreams and worked hard to achieve her goal of Olympic gold.

Another mother, 33-year-old Oksana Chusovitina, took the silver medal for Germany in individual women’s vault. Older than most of the other gymnasts by ten years, Oksana had participated in four previous Olympics, representing the former Soviet Union and winning a team gold. What brought her to Germany at this stage of her career? For the past 6 years her 9-year-old son, Alisher, has been treated there for leukemia. When he was first diagnosed, Oksana could not get help for him in her native Uzbekistan. Not one to be stopped by the challenges she faced, she and her husband moved to Germany to train while Alisher was in treatment. Oksana demonstrates her commitment to family by competing for Germany in Beijing.

If you’ve ever questioned whether you’re too old to reach your goals, you can learn a lesson from these athletes and mothers. It’s never too late to challenge yourself. With maturity, drive and focus, you can achieve your dreams. As Dara Torres said, “To me, if it helps anyone else out there who is in their middle-aged years, putting off something they couldn’t do because they thought they were too old or maybe because they had a child, they thought they couldn’t balance things as a parent - if it shows anyone you can do it, I’m absolutely thrilled.”

(c) 2008, Her Mentor Center

Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. is co-founder of http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich Generation. She is co-author of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomers and family relationships. She offers a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through the website.

If you are not living your life on purpose, then you must be living it accidentally. People who live accidentally ALWAYS end up settling for less than satisfactory lives.

So how about living your life with purpose and on purpose? Besides, you will sleep better at night knowing just who the person is you’re sleeping with every night. In other words, you will know yourself thoroughly and intimately.

Your Personal Compass and a Life of Purpose.

Life has targets and distractions. The clearer you are about what and where your targets are, the better shot you have at hitting them. Likewise, the sharper your awareness of any distractions in or around your life, the easier it is to avoid them.

Living a life of purpose and on purpose means forming a clear definition of your primary life target: Your Life Purpose. It’s knowing who you are, why you’re here, and what it is you’re to do with this life of yours. Your life purpose becomes your personal compass which gives your life direction, and thereby creates a purposeful life.

People who don’t know their life purpose often find themselves chasing the dreams of others, or doing what they think others think they should do. This is referred to as an inherited purpose.

Such people live a life based on assumption, presumption, and old programming. These are all distractions from one’s true self; and being distracted results in an unfulfilled life full of co-dependent relationships and unsatisfactory career paths. Essentially this means you’re living according to other people’s values and purpose.

So let me ask you - are you living according to other people’s values and purpose or YOUR OWN???

Next question: What is Your Dharma?

Living your life on purpose allows your personal compass to direct you toward fulfilling your life purpose. When you’re on your intended path, you’re in dharma, which is an old Sanskrit word which Webster’s Dictionary defines as: an individual’s duty fulfilled by observance of custom or law; the basic principles of cosmic or individual existence; conformity to one’s duty and nature.

Your Dharma is what you were born to be.

It’s what your DNA makeup has programmed you to be; and it’s the path of life on which you’ll achieve the greatest degree of happiness, success, and fulfillment, AND where you’ll also have the most impact on humankind.

Dharma is like wearing a pair of comfortable shoes. You feel good in them because they fit you so well. When you’re out of dharma, and you find yourself off your intended path, it’s like wearing a pair of shoes which are too tight, too restricting and uncomfortable; you feel miserable wearing them.

When you’re in dharma, all of your talents and energy emerge and converge to produce positive effects for you and all of those around you. You can’t help but exude qualities of passion, peace, happiness, and fulfillment.

As a result, you’ll naturally practice patience, honesty, compassion, self-control, forgiveness and reason. Likewise, living in your Dharma will also help you let go of unnecessary anger, resentment, judgment, envy, greed and jealousy.

You and everyone around you benefits from your dharma. There may be times when it seems as if you’re going against what others want you to do, but by being in and true to your dharma…

You’re actually creating what’s best for everyone - yourself and others.

Many people live their entire lives without being in dharma or on their intended path. There’s absolutely no joy in this. To live the greatest life you’re capable of living you need to know who you are and where you’re going, As a result, the choices of what to do become much clearer.

So take a moment to think about your dharma shoes - are they comfortable and fit just right or are they too tight or too loose? Live on Purpose and your journey will be a comfortable one.

Ken Donaldson has been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. Claim your FREE Relationship Success Special Report at Marry YourSelf First!. Ken is the author of Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.